Phew. Okay, where do I even begin? SO much has happened. Before I flood you with pictures and dumb little stories you probably don't need to know, I want to share my experience over the past several months. It is something I hold so dear to my heart, and it has taken me days and weeks to learn and accept. Also since this is like my journal, I feel the need to write it all down... combined with this sliver of hope that it will relieve me. So, here we go...
Ever since I was a kid, I NEVER, like ever had any desire of wanting to serve a mission. I just always, always felt like it wasn't for me, and I was okay with that. I just would always joke with myself that "I am just going to grow up and get married so I don't have to take care of myself anymore." But, then I moved away to school and my whole life changed (as I am sure many people's does). Suddenly, a mission became the only thing I could think about. There were several days where I began feeling prompted that I needed to serve a mission. Those days started to become very consistent, and only felt more and more real. So the prayers and fasting all began, and for the longest time I felt like I wasn't getting any form of answer. I would have weeks where I felt 100% sure that was what I needed to do, and then there would be weeks where I was 100% sure it absolutely wasn't for me. I spent countless nights on my knees and countless silent prayers wanting an answer. This continued for several months, and I just wanted to rip my hair out.
So January came around and the prayers continued, and still nothing was happening, I decided to start my papers in hopes that maybe I would receive any form of an answer. So as I did, I felt impressed to stop, and felt as though a mission was not for me. FINALLY. I don't know if it was necessarily the answer I wanted, but I was just relieved to have gotten an answer. So I put my life together and made a plan for what I hoped would come next. A couple of months later, I was out for a run and I felt the most distinct prompting that I need to go and serve a mission. At first, I just wanted to scream. So for a couple of days I just went about my normal routine hoping that maybe it was just the run. But one night, after several events, and probably a few tears I was completely overwhelmed with the Spirit and knew that I needed to go. I went home that night, finished my papers, and went to the doctor and the dentist the following day and hit submit. I met with my bishop the next day, and made an appointment with the Stake President for the next week. It all happened so quickly, and so perfectly that I honestly could not deny that it needed to happen. However, my heart was at an absolute panic.
So, its Tuesday of the following week and I have my interview with my Stake President. My heart had never been so ready for anything. I was absolutely terrified, but I was also filled with so much peace knowing that I was doing exactly what He needed me to do. So after a very heart wrenching interview filled with tears and testimonies the Stake President said "Sister Duncan, you are ready, you are worthy, you are qualified, and you would be an incredible missionary. But give me tonight to think and pray about it, and I will give you a call tomorrow." So I went home that night, so so very turned and flustered with anxiety. Seriously just waiting for this call from the President.
So finally it came, I was only hoping for the best. But in the moment I heard what sounded like the worst. He said,
"Well would you like me to tell you over the phone, or would you like to come into my office?"I think maybe it would have been better to talk in person, but I just wanted to KNOW and serve a mission so freaking badly, so I asked him to just go ahead:
"Sister Duncan, for whatever reason, and for some reasons we discussed last night I feel as though you need to wait a year. And I have felt the smallest, yet very strong prompting that you are to stay here and get married."You guys, my heart was crushed. I felt like I had been slapped across the face. Suddenly everything that I thought felt so right, was wrong. For so long I had been building up this excitement and energy to serve, and I wanted nothing more than for a big white envelope addressed to Sister Ellsie Duncan. I began wishing that I could go back to when I didn't have an answer because that sounded a lot better than having to be told I couldn't go. For that night, and for that week, and for quite some time I was angry, I was bitter, and I was exhausted. And I'm pretty sure the only thing I did was cry. Because the one thing that I wanted more than anything was to serve a mission, and I simply couldn't.
So with like a day left a school, and not a plan for the summer and NOT a clue what should come next, because clearly it wasn't a mission. I packed my life up and moved to Provo. Why? No idea. How is it? Awful. I hate Provo. To this day I still don't really know why I am here, but there was a time where it had felt right, and well now I'm just waiting for that feeling of right to come back. So I spent the next couple of months kind of just getting back on my feet, trying to be who and find where He needs me to be right now, and learning to trust more in Him than myself.
So here I am in Provo. Literally what feels like ALL of my friends, are either gone on missions or getting married. And so I just work. Work and work and work. Then this one week, I had many, many very similar promptings that I need to serve a mission, and I need to go now. So again, for that week, I kind of just blew it off thinking it was kind of just my mind and wanting to run away from the problems that "real life" gave you. Then this one Sunday, I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting, and had an overwhelming feeling that Ellie, GO. And in that very moment I knew with my whole heart that I was to GO, and serve. So not having a clue what in the world I was doing, I made an appointment with my Bishop (new bishop, new ward, new try) for round 2 of mission papers. That same Sunday, I met with him, told him kind of my whole story, and why I wanted to serve (however, I didn't mention the whole Stake President thing down in Cedar, if he were to ask me, I would have been honest, but didn't feel like I needed to bring it up, so this bishop had no idea that any of that happened down in Cedar). And as soon as I finished my whole mouth full, the Bishop looked and me and said,
"Sister Duncan, I am going to be blunt and honest with you. A mission is not for you, not now, not ever. There is the smallest sliver and prompting that you are supposed to stay here and get married."ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I had 2 priesthood holders tell me the exact same thing. They had received the exact same prompting even though it was miles, hours, and months apart. So what do you do? Well I just cried. It is so SO hard to trust someone else's revelation more than your own, even when they have the authority to do so. But there is absolutely nothing I can do about serving a mission without their consent. So for like a day I let the bitter anger build up, but wanted nothing more than to just be happy and feel at peace.
So... today. There are still many times where I still feel and wish with my whole being that I could be out serving the Lord as a missionary. I still don't know all the reasons why I was told to wait a year, or why I am not supposed to be serving, and I don't know if I will ever know those reasons in this life. But for whatever reason it might be, and for whatever comes next, I know without a doubt that the Lord has other plans for me. And His plan is far far better than my own.
It has taken a lot for me to get to where I am now. But I also have learned so much. I have come to know my Savior far more than ever before. I have come to know the reality and divine need for His hand in our lives now, and for forever. But most of all, I have learned that everyone's forever is so different yet so perfect. Heavenly Father created an absolute perfect plan for each and every one of us. He knows what we need to experience, what we need to learn, and He knows the most perfect way for us to get there. And this plan that He has created for you, for me, will get us exactly where we want to be. His plan, and His forever is far better than any happily ever after fairytale.
So for now, and for forever, I hope and pray and have faith in His plan, and His forever that is planned just for me. I know without a doubt that my Savior lives, and that He loves me. I know that the Atonement is real and that it works. I know that we are here, to learn and grow and become like Him, and He wants more than anything to return and live with Him. I anxiously await the day when I can fall down at His feet and BE with Him. I know as we are here, we must find joy in the journey. Soak in every opportunity, and blessing that we receive. I stand in awe, and complete gratitude that we don't have to go through this life alone, EVER. How blessed, and how lucky we are to be here and to be alive and to have Him. Always.
"... the Lord is blessing you and leading you. Sometimes from the front. Sometimes from the side. Sometimes from the rear. But He is always there."- my Kim Cherr
I know that Heavenly Father wants me and He wants YOU, now and for forever.
xoxo,
ellie d.
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